Scratching! Really scratching?! And chewing! Oh! And feet swishing! These are three of the things that are getting to me at the moment!
My husband has developed dry skin and Oh MY WORD!!! He scratches! Yes! Like a dog with fleas!!
And then we have chewing! Have you ever sat next to someone who you could hear chew? Eeeuw! Apparently it has a name! “Misophonia”
“For people with a condition that some scientists call misophonia, mealtime can be torture. The sounds of other people eating — chewing, chomping, slurping, gurgling — can send them into an instantaneous, blood-boiling rage. Or as Adah Siganoff put it, “rage, panic, fear, terror and anger, all mixed together.(Excerpt from the New York Times written by Joyce Cohen. September 2011)
My husband also has this thing where he swishes one foot against the other when he gets stressed irritated or “in the mood”!
So as I was yet again telling him to “STOP IT” through gritted teeth and him saying “my word…you are so sensitive to everything!” I started thinking…..maybe? No! Surely not!
So I did some research and low and behold! Bipolar can cause hypersensitive hearing in some patients! Who knew?!
Well i’ve learnt something new!! And yes! I have it!! Grrrrr!
The saying: ” Don’t wish too hard for something you might just get it” has never been more true than Monday morning.
After what seemed like forever, my mood finally stabilised after the ups and downs of last week.
In my last blog I was begging for a “normal” day. Well my wish was granted!
Monday morning we all got up, did the breakfast thing and I dropped the girls at school. I didn’t have to tidy the house as the cleaning lady was coming in.
I made myself some tea and sat on the couch thinking how awesome it was to just have the time to sit and enjoy that moment. After about 2 minutes of enjoying “the moment” I was like…”ok, now what?!”
I didn’t have any mood swings to deal with, for a change I wasn’t exhausted and I had time! What to do?! It was then that the realisation hit! I was BORED!!!
This made me think how different life could be if I didn’t have bipolar. I could go to gym at 5 a.m., go to work and actually enjoy it instead of surviving it, I could fetch my kids after school, help them with homework, cook supper and still have energy to spend time with my husband! Imagine having that much energy!
The thing is that when we don’t have to spend all our energy “managing” (or not managing most of the time) our disorder, life would look very different for us!
Sometimes I just want to be who I was before all this…no meds, fun!, free…
Some other thoughts started hounding me as I was being “BORED”. My poor husband (aka “the Saint”) works his backside off to give me the opportunity to stay at home as the stress of work seems too much to handle.
Then I start asking myself…is bipolar really that bad?…maybe i’m faking!…maybe i’m just a wimp! And so it goes…until the next episode when I wish for “normal” again. On the never ending merry-go-round…
22 April 2017
I am so irate (for no reason) and I feel uncomfortable in my own skin!
As if an ongoing up and down is not enough there is the weight battle too. The meds have the wonderful side effect of weight gain! So not only is there the self loathing due to the emotional up and down, the ongoing fatigue and the debilitating depression, there is also self hatred because I cannot control my eating an weight gain. Everyone says: “exercise and eat in moderation, it will make you feel better!” No shit Sherlock! I could never figure that out by myself! You must be some kind of genius!” Which part of “I can barely get myself out of bed, keep myself going and keep doing basic things” makes you think I can even get to exercise and caring what I eat. Chocolate has an immediate endorphin effect! I feel good (if only for a second) so your damn straight i’m going to eat it! Then the self hatred kicks in again! Why do you have no self control and why can’t you just say NO!
All that said I have set myself a goal. Since i’m not working i’m going to exercise like it’s my job! The plan is to drop the kids at school, go to the gym (yes, the one I pay for every month and never go to – nothing bi-polar about that though!. Many “normal” people do that too! Yay! Something normal!!). In true ALL or NOTHING form (personality or bi-polar?) I plan to walk on the treadmill for 30 min, do a 45 min water aerobics class and then swim for 30 min. How’s THAT for exercise and feel better?! I’ll show them! I have also decided to eat in moderation. No diet but small portions. Let’s see how all that goes! Today is Saturday, so I have rested and feel ever so slightly energised, tomorrow should also be an easy day and then Monday we start! I’m also starting a 5 day “change your relationship with food” challenge on Monday. As I said “ALL or NOTHING! Let’s see how this goes!!
As you can see i’m having a “let’s white knuckle this thing” phase!
It always amazes me how my body and emotions change from day to day. Just yesterday I was thinking about starting this blog and I thought to myself :”how can I write a blog about bi-polar if I’m feeling perfectly fine?”. Then this morning I got up because my darling husband had made us all breakfast! I could barely get to the table I was so tired. I finished my breakfast before the rest of my family even arrived at the table. All I could think is how I just had to get back to my bed. It is my job to drop my two girls at school every morning but this morning I could not even manage that. Again my husband (I kid you not, the man’s a saint!) took over, got them to school and left me to sleep. I was woken by a phone call at 11:30 and realised I had to be at my daughters’ school in 30min. I dragged myself out of bed and could barely believe what I looked like in the mirror. I used to be this vibrant vivacious person and now i’m a sad empty shell of my former self. I feel like such a looser. Recently I chose to resign from my job as a music teacher because I could not handle the stress and noise levels that goes with the very visible and high profile job. I have always loved my job and through the years that has defined me. Suddenly i’m just me… not me the music teacher, not me the play director, not me the Marimba composer/coach…just me..
My one daughter has horse riding this afternoon and I have to take her across town for it. I don’t know how i’m going to make it through the 2 hours it will take. I am just so tired…I have not tidied the house and we are having leftovers for supper. Again I feel like such a loser. My husband works like a slave at his business and will tonight probably come home to a messy house. It just kills me that I cannot function as the type A person I actually am.
I have to listen to people say that people with depression and bi-polar should really just get their act together and should stop being lazy. That if we would just suck it up and get on with our lives we would see that it’s actually just in our minds. So often I wish that these high functioning people could spend just one day in my body and in my mind…but it must be a day like today, when your spirit wants to but your mind and body just can’t. Where sleeping on a cold hard floor in a cave seems bliss and where facing the “normal” world seems impossible. A typical bad day in bi-polar land…
I have been asked to play piano at a function at my own school! I barely slept from 3 a.m. Because the nervous energy started. Finally the alarm went of but now there was suddenly a lack of urgency! Eventually I was so late that I didn’t even have time for breakfast. I charged through the house getting more and more high every minute. By the time I reached the school I was positively bouncing! Everybody told me how good I looked after the weeks off, all leading to a bigger high! My replacement is still feeling her way around and suddenly I am a superhero swooping in to save the day! Nobody has anything on me! Let’s rock this day! Try to keep up people!
At the end of the four hour session, being filled with numerous accolades, I finally leave. As I drive home the nervous energy is still coursing through my vanes! I am so good at what I do!
I get home and the slide starts…after about 30 min I am sitting on the couch, after 45 min I am in bed, after 50min I am asleep and that is how quickly I go from HIGH to low.
This evening my husband (saint no longer) had a moment because I had decided to leave my meds shopping to the evening hours. He felt I should have done it during the day. Immediately I got aggressive and attacked by saying he does not own me and that I can choose how I spend MY time… sounds familiar? Up, down, angry…
The anger was due to the guilt I felt because I couldn’t do things in the afternoon because yet again I was too tired. I barely got up after a 45min nap to fetch my girls at school… and my husband had to bring “take out” because I was just too disinterested in cooking. I was invincible earlier remember! How can I be asked to do something as mundane as cooking! Not that I could anyway because I was WAY too tired….What I would give for a “normal” day.
Of course I can’t sleep after all te emotional ups and downs of the day…I eventually take my meds at 12a.m.
I woke up at 12 p.m. (the one pill takes about 12 hours to work out of my system). Luckily I had asked my husband (the saint once again) to take the girls to their ice skating lessons today.
I woke up and felt like a fat slob. You are useless, fat, worthless…the words swirl through my brain in an endless refrain..
I lie on the couch and I am literally too disinterested to move…
You have no willpower or use…the refrain continues.. the house has not been cleaned, the laundry is everywhere…a visual reminder…just in case I forgot how useless I am…
My daughter just walked in…”break it down” she says and we start dancing?! I am beat boxing! Say what?! Wasn’t I in the depths of despair one minute ago?
Just like that the moment is over and i’m back in my cave…